This is the second in a series of articles designed to help players and families navigate their youth hockey seasons and to assist them in having an enjoyable and productive experience.

 

By Scott Lowe – MYHockeyRankings.com

So many young hockey players don’t seem happy playing the sport they supposedly love.

Statistics indicate that player participation tends to drop in the United States for the 13- and 14-year-old age group and at the 18U age level. Hockey becomes a full-contact sport when players turn 13, so there always will be natural attrition when that happens. Hockey is fun for most players until the day when they wake up early, head to the rink and get knocked down a few times.

Young players entering their teens also start to become a little more independent. They begin to form their own opinions and determine their likes and dislikes without as much parental input. Teens begin to think about their futures a little bit more and usually have more commitments and responsibilities academically and otherwise at school. There simply are more social and school-related opportunities competing for their free time.

They can’t do it all, and when they try it can be overwhelming to the point that it becomes stressful. At that point something has to give. Sometimes these factors and other responsibilities conspire to make it impossible for a young person to continue playing hockey. Grades may suffer, physical exhaustion may set in or social opportunities and peer pressure just may be too much to handle.

Hockey tends to be a larger commitment during the school year than most sports, with the practices and games at strange hours, the high number of games played and the extensive travel that often is required. Young people look around and see their school buddies having fun hanging out, participating in school events,  attending parties or participating in other social activities.

Fear of missing out, known in 2024 as FOMO and previously referred to as jealousy, is a real emotional response. FOMO is compounded by social media and the ability to always see exactly what your friends are up to at any given moment. Being stuck in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere on a Saturday night waiting for another hockey game while your friends are posting images of the fun they are having on Instagram can have a strong psychological impact and make young people question their commitment to a sport.

Hockey players in their early are entering or have entered puberty, which already has them experiencing new and confusing feelings. As they mature, concerns about fitting in, having friends and being a part of certain social circles become focal points of their lives, so FOMO can lead to stress, anxiety and even depression when they feel that they are constantly missing out every weekend.

Imagine being a young teen and going to school on Monday after being away playing hockey all weekend. Your friends don’t particularly care to hear about your hat trick or game-winning goal, but instead their conversations focus on the birthday party or school dance they all attended after going to the movies and hanging out at the mall or local pizza shop the night before.

This understandably can be too much for some young people and they may start to resent the sport and the commitment it requires. Their effort and interest may begin to wane, which typically leads to declining performance and possibly less playing time. They may be losing favor with their coaches and teammates and suddenly they feel disconnected from both their hockey and school friends.

What was once fun becomes something they dread.

Challenges for Everyone Involved

This can lead to a difficult situation for parents, too. No parent wants their child to be miserable, but sometimes life lessons such helping a young person understand the importance of honoring a commitment and not quitting when you have a responsibility to a group important to emphasize

So, in cases such as this, most parents probably tell their children to finish out the season, make the most of the experience and take some time off to think about whether they want to play the following year. Some parents my just let their kids quit midstream, but that doesn’t really send the right message – and it can be unfair to the other players and coaches if that decision leaves the team in a bind.

Having a player stay with the team through the end of the season sends a message to the young player about the importance of honoring commitments while also showing support for the player’s feelings and providing a cooling-off period for everyone involved to analyze the situation and make the best decision going forward.

This is fine. It’s important for young people to figure out the activities they enjoy and want to continue pursuing as they get older.

The situation can become problematic when players are afraid to let their parents know how they feel or when parents who may have pushed their children into a sport initially continue to push them to play even when they are unhappy. That sends a message to the player that hockey is important to the parents, which can lead to a belief that he or she has to keep playing.

That leads to players continuing to participate in something they don’t really enjoy. As they get older and the game gets more serious, naturally the discussion in the locker room and among hockey families starts to focus on future hockey goals such as continuing to play beyond the 18U and high school.

At this point, we have a player who already doesn’t really love the sport and doesn’t want to let mom and dad down involved in conversations with peers that can become very competitive. As invitations to various junior camps and combines start to circulate and scouts from higher levels start to show interest in members of the team, it often turns into a contest with players trying to one-up each other by saying they have the best opportunities or offers.

As with most teenage discussions, much of what is said probably is untrue or at least exaggerated. But FOMO and peer pressure can be incredibly strong influencers, and players in these situations, who already may feel alienated from their classmates and friends because of hockey – and who don’t want to let their parents down – usually jump right into these discussions. They yearn to fit in, start to believe everything they hear and become stressed out about their hockey futures.

Their parents also hear teammates and families talking about future hockey opportunities. Yes, FOMO is a thing among adults, too, in 2024. So is ego.

The parents may begin engaging the player in conversations about junior and college hockey, and they might start to research potential future opportunities in hopes of being helpful. All of this makes the player feel like continuing to play hockey is very important to his or her parents.

 

A Vicious Cycle

Do you see what is happening here?

Players who initially kept participating for fear of upsetting their parents begin to feel like not pursuing junior or college hockey also would be letting them down. Mom and Dad have spent countless thousands of dollars and given enormous amounts of their free time to allow the player to keep playing, and as young people mature they often become sensitive to the commitment others have made on their behalf. The whole family is in so deep at this point that many young players simply can’t fathom telling their parents that they want to be done with it and feeling like all that time and money was wasted.

That leads to a lot of unhappy hockey players at the 16U and 18U levels. Oh, they will look you in the eye, tell you they love hockey and dream of playing at the highest level they can. But they exhibit no outward evidence that they enjoy the sport. They rarely crack a smile at the rink. Their body language often is negative on and off the ice. And although they enjoy the social parachute the sport provides and the time spent with their teammates off the ice, they never seem to get as excited about team accomplishments as most of the other players.

That’s because the idea of not letting their parents down and continuing to play at higher levels is what drives them. It’s not about wins and losses as much as it is about doing everything possible to achieve a level of hockey that will make mom and dad proud and justify their commitment.

This makes the game even more stressful, and stressed-out hockey players generally are not good hockey players. It’s impossible for players to be at their best when they are gripping the stick too tightly and worried about every shift, turnover and mistake as if every eye in the building is evaluating all the details of their game at all times.

Being uptight can lead to poor on-ice performance, which is likely to lead to a diminishing role for that player, especially at the older age levels. A diminishing role adds to the stress, which often results in players trying to do too much or to do more than the coach is asking of them. That has the potential of leading to frustration for both the player and coach.

It can become a vicious cycle or poor play, less opportunity and more frustration. At that point, the natural reaction is for the player to point fingers at the coach and teammates. More stress, plus more resentment and frustration usually leads to anger.

The unhappy player easily can become the angry player who is looking to blame anyone and everyone. Linemates aren’t good enough and are holding the player back, and the coach is killing the player’s future opportunities by not playing him or her on the right line or on the power play.

“If I played on the first line and power play, I’d put up great number, too,” is a frequently heard complaint.

That probably is true, but the reality is that pretty much any player could make that statement and not be wrong. The response to that statement is, “That may be true, but how would you make the other players on that line better?”

Players who are this frustrated and find themselves in this situation usually are not capable of thinking in those terms. They solely are focused on how the team can be a means to an end, a mechanism to advance to that ever elusive “next level.”

It’s no longer about players doing what’s best for the team. Instead of taking pride in that role and what makes them a valuable member of the team – and doing that to the best of their ability – it becomes more about putting up points or getting opportunities that they think will make the scouts take notice.

But there’s no turning back at this point. The player feels an obligation to keep playing and trying to advance, and the anxiety continues to snowball as teammates start to get noticed and spoken to by higher-level coaches and scouts.

“That kid is no better than me. Why don’t they talk to me, too?” is something that frequently is heard from these players.

“The coach likes the other players better than me and gives them opportunities I don’t get and promotes them more,” are others along with, “If I played with better kids I would definitely get noticed.”

Instead of looking in the mirror, the blame gets passed, and frankly it’s often true that the coach is promoting other players because the angry players have stopped fulfilling the role that is being asked of them to the best of their ability. The coach probably considers the player uncoachable and doesn’t want to risk his or her reputation by providing a glowing recommendation.

 

Walking it Back

Now that the player and family are years into this process and there seems to be no looking back, what can we learn and how might this type of situation be avoided by walking this back and taking a look at how they got to that point?

When it comes to finger pointing and blaming the coach, it’s likely that over time players have witnessed that type of behavior from their parents. Usually that happens in the heat of the moment during a car ride after a tough game. As parents, we always want what is best for our children and often react emotionally immediately after the fact.

That is one reason it is recommended that parents try to avoid talking about games or criticizing players or coaches in the immediate aftermath. It’s hard to do. We are all guilty of it at some point. It’s going to happen.

Parents should remember that if it happens on a regular basis over the course of many years it’s likely to become a learned behavior that becomes ingrained in their children. Constantly dwelling on a bad game during the car ride also can contribute to a player’s negative feelings about the sport. As our kids get older, when things don’t go well for them it’s very possible that they will resort to a similar response.

 

Be the Best YOU That You Can Be

A few years back we posted an article that advised players to control what they control. Too many players are way too concerned about what the other kids on the team are doing, the opportunities they are getting and how they are performing instead of focusing on making the most of their situation, doing whatever they are asked and developing into the best players they can be.

Every player is on a team for a reason, and no other sport has coaches that work harder to assemble puzzle pieces that perfectly complement one another than hockey. Teams can’t win with 12 forwards who are solely skilled players just like they can’t win with 12 grinders or six offensive defensemen. As Herb Brooks once said, “I don’t want the best players. I want the RIGHT players.” 

If players have built a relationship with the coach as we suggested in our first article of this series, they should have a good understanding of the role the coach has in mind for them and how the coach thinks they can best help the team be successful. That is why the coach has chosen a player to be on the team, so in turn the player owes it to the coach and the team to do everything he or she can to excel in that role.

This can get lost over time if parents are constantly questioning coaches in the immediate aftermath of games and if players become unhappy playing hockey.

Instead of focusing on others, a player should strive to “be the best YOU that YOU can be” while at the same time working hard in practice to improve in the areas the coach indicates need improvement. By accepting the role that has been assigned and taking pride in doing that job at the highest possible level, a player demonstrates to the coach that he or she cares about the team first over individual opportunities and accolades. That can build a level of trust that night make the coach more likely to move a player into a larger role if the opportunity arises and to provide a glowing recommendation to higher-level coaches in the future.

The beauty of hockey is that coaches at the highest levels place a great deal of value on players who willingly accept who they are and perform a role that is essential to a team’s success. Players who take pride in winning faceoffs, blocking shots, killing penalties, competing hard on every shift and playing a consistent 200-foot game can find a home at almost any level even if they aren’t the fastest skaters or the most-skilled players scoring a bunch of points.

Parents who find ways to support their kids in a positive manner at a young age no matter what their role on the team is while still reinforcing the messages the coaches send to the players will increase the probability that their children will enjoy the hockey experience no matter how many goals they score.

If they enjoy the experience and earn to view their coaches as people who can help them improve and who will celebrate and appreciate what they bring to the team, it’s much more likely they will embrace the “be the best YOU that you can be” mindset at a young age. This mindset will go a long way toward helping them feel like they fit in with the group and have value to the team no matter what.

If parents allow a love for the game to develop organically within players at an early age by celebrating the small victories and helping them build a positive relationship with their coach so they can understand their value to the team – while not pushing too hard – the sky is the limit in terms of the potential development.

Developmental ceilings for players aren’t determined when they first begin playing a sport unless they don’t enjoy the experience. If they can understand that being “the best YOU that you can be” will make their coaches happy and allow them to be huge contributors to their team no matter what their role is, they are much more likely to have a positive experience and fall in love with the sport.

Once that happens, they have plenty of time to develop and figure out what type of player they can become and how much work they are willing to put into getting better. For players who fall in love with hockey, the hard work required to reach the highest levels seems much less like work, so there’s no telling how far a young player might advance.

No matter how far a player does advance, though, this type of approach at a young age almost guarantees that players will continue to enjoy playing the sport at some level throughout their formative years and potentially for the rest of their lives. They also are less likely to become unhappy playing, but if they do, they probably won’t be afraid to discuss those feelings since their parents have always been supportive under any circumstances.

Maybe instead of giving up the sport, players who aren’t thrilled about playing at one level will be able to find a level of play that allows them to continue having fun while helping them to balance the other things in their lives that are important.

In addition, a simple “be the best YOU that you can be” approach can help older players who continue to work toward the goal of playing at higher levels beyond 18U and high school. At some point, all players plateau and reach a crossroads where everyone is good and embracing what makes them valuable to their team and trying to excel at those things is the only way they can get in the lineup and continue to advance.

So, not only can developing an understanding of that concept help younger players fall in love with the sport, it also can help those who stick with it advance to the highest level they possibly achieve.

And when that happens, everyone wins, which should be the ultimate goal of hockey participation for everyone.